New Year's Eve

Every year it's the same thing: my wife gets sleepy and goes to bed early while I stay up until midnight to see if anything amazing happens. Nothing amazing has ever happened so far. The ball drops, the TV host in Times Square blabs over the music, the confetti falls, and a few local fireworks go off. That's it. I don't feel any different, and everything is the same. Even when we flipped over to the new millenium it was the same. Remember the Y2K scare? I was so sure that something was going to happen. But the power stayed on, all the appliances kept working, the heat stayed on, and the toilet kept flushing. I was disappointed. I was hoping for at least a little disaster.

There is a group called Eddie from Ohio that sings a song called Monotony. I like it a lot. The singer goes so far as to say that he would welcome being run over by a car or hit by a bomb - as long as it would break the monotony. OK....I don't want to go that far. I understand the feeling though. They say that 'variety is the spice of life', and sometimes it feels as if I where stuck with only salt and pepper. I need some basil or something.

My van will turn over 100,000 miles this year. How often in a lifetime will I get to see that happen? But do you know what will happen when all of those zeros flip over? Absolutely nothing. What should happen? Something like this: The stereo should turn itself on and play the Stars and Stripes Forever while a booming voiceover repeats "ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND MILES!" for five minutes. The windshield wipers should all do victory swipes to the rhythm of the march on the stereo. The lights should flash. The horn should beep a happy tune - or maybe play auld lang syne. All of the dials on the display should spin out of control for a few minutes. The whole van should bounce up and down as if it were a hotrod on airshocks. That is the sort of thing that should happen.

I know; I could make things happen. I could put in a CD, flash the lights, beep the horn, and turn on the wipers. But it isn't the same. Our vehicles all have computer chips in them. Video games give us a nice little show when we beat the Level Boss and move on to the next level. Shouldn't our cars do the same? We spend a lot more on them than we do on any video game. Maybe it's time I circulated a petition.

Happy New Year! Pass the taragon.